


We're Going Camping

by Mexxell



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alternate Universe - Human/Troll Society, Ensemble Cast, Fluff, Gen, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Memo, Pesterlog, Post-Game
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-02
Updated: 2014-09-01
Packaged: 2018-02-07 03:30:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1883652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mexxell/pseuds/Mexxell
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jade notices that everyone's drifted apart too much since the game's ended and everyone's been dumped in this new world where trolls and humans coexist in relative harmony. She decides that the best way to solve that is to go on a massive camping trip! Of course, Karkat ends up being the sucker to organize it all, but finally everything is ready.<br/>A thirty-two person camping trip featuring every troll and human player from Homestuck.<br/>This can only end well.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> so the first chapter of the camping trip literally no camping is done and absolutely no one is surprised

\-- carcinoGenetecist [CG] opened memo aboard WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE IN THE WOODS. --  
CG: I WANT TO PREFACE THIS BY GIVING A HEARTY “FUCK YOU” TO EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU NOOKSLURPING MAGGOTFUCKERS.  
CG: DESPITE WANTING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS AWFUL IDEA OF HARLEY’S, I HAVE, ESSENTIALLY WITH NO AID, ORGANIZED A CAMPING TRIP FOR ALL THIRTY-FUCKING-TWO OF US.  
CG: AND DURING THIS PROCESS, ALL OF YOU HAVE EARNED MY IRE A THOUSAND TIMES OVER.  
\-- gardenGnostic [GG] responded to memo. --  
GG: oh come on karkat! it cant have been that bad  
CG: DON’T YOU EVEN START WITH ME HARLEY.  
CG: HAVE YOU EVER EVEN *SPOKEN* TO THE REST OF THESE ASSHOLES?  
CG: WHILE A SELECT FEW OF YOU SEEM TO POSSES A HANDFUL OF BRAIN-CELLS, IT IS MORE THAN COMPENSATED BY THE GARGANTUAN AMOUNT OF SHEER STUPIDITY AFFORDED BY A FEW KEY INDIVIDUALS.  
CG: HONESTLY, THAT SOME OF THESE BULGEMUNCHERS FUNCTION ON A DAY TO DAY BASIS ASTOUNDS AND CONFUSES ME.  
\-- timaeusTestified [TT] responded to memo. --  
TT: Classy.  
TT: I don’t know how friendships worked on Alternia, but in human culture it’s considered rude to insult them like this.  
CG: DON’T TRY ME STRIDER. YOU AND YOUR BROTHER WERE THE TWO MOST INTENTIONALLY UNHELPFUL SHOOTSTUFFERS OF THE LOT.  
TT: Quite frankly, I’m offended.  
TT: Dave and I have been nothing by helpful in aiding you organize this little camping trip.  
CG: BULL. SHIT.  
CG: YOU CONVINCED THE LEIJONS THAT THERE WAS GOING TO BE A CAT CONVENTION HELD IN TOWN EVERY WEEKEND I TRIED TO SCHEDULE THIS FUCKING THING.  
CG: EVERY TIME I WOULD TRY TO CHANGE THE DATE, THE CAT CON WOULD CONVENIENTLY CHANGE DATE AS WELL.  
GG: heheheheh  
CG: DON’T ENCOURAGE HIM JADE, I SWEAR TO GOD.  
GG: oh my god karkat!!! stop being such a drama queen  
CG: NO I WILL NOT TAKE THIS.  
CG: IT’S BAD ENOUGH YOU MADE ME ORGANIZE EVERYTHING BY MYSELF WITHOUT YOU ACTIVELY ENCOURAGING DISSENT.  
TT: Dude, she didn’t make you do shit. It’s your own neurotic self that decided that you needed to be in charge of this.  
CG: WHO THE FUCK ELSE WAS GOING TO DO IT?  
CG: I’M SERIOUSLY OPEN TO SUGGESTIONS OVER HERE.  
CG: MAYBE ONE OF THE LEIJONS? OR PERHAPS THE ENGLISH HUMAN?  
\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] responded to memo. --  
TG: omg yes jakey in charge of a camping trip  
TG: that would have been totes hilarious can you imagine  
TT: We’d be stranded on a deserted island in the middle of the Pacific.  
TG: or mb in teh amazon rainforest  
TT: Certainly another continent anyways.  
TG: the adventure of a lifetime  
TG: trekkin thru the african savannah w/ a conga line of camels  
GG: :o  
GG: that sounds sooo cooooool  
GG: karkat you should totally have let jake in charge!!!  
TG: jadey nvr change  
CG: OH MY NOOKSUCKING JEGUS YOU ARE ALL COMPLETELY RETARDED.  
CG: ANYTHING PLANNED BY ENGLISH IS DOOMED TO FAILURE FROM THE OUTSET.  
TT: That may be true, but it would also be one hell of a ride.  
GG: and anyways hes technically not english anymore remember  
GG: hes a harley now just like me!  
CG: OH WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT. I DON’T GIVE A FUCK.  
CG: STRIDER, AREN’T YOU ONE OF THE DRIVERS? SHOULDN'T YOU BE LEAVING BY NOW?  
\-- twinArmageddons [TA] responded to memo. --  
TA: that’2 pretty fuckiing riich comiing from you, kk.  
TA: your dance2tor ii2 al2o one of the driiver2, dii2phiit.  
TA: your a22e2 2hould be on theiir way two piick me and mt up, not fuckiing around iin ANOTHER FUCKIING MEMO.  
TA: 2eriiou2ly what ii2 your ob2e22iion wiith the2e u2ele22 piiece2 of 2hiit.  
CG: FUCK YOU I RESENT THAT. THESE MEMOS ARE INDISPENSABLE IN ORGANIZING YOU GLOBEFONDLING SHITSTAINS.  
CG: THEY MAY NOT BE OPTIMAL, BUT THEY’RE THE BEST I’VE GOT AND I’M USING THEM.  
TA: holy 2HIIT ii don't even care.   
TA: ii ju2t thiink iit'2 hiilariiou2 that you 2tiill thiink the2e are helpful after they became 2uch a fuckiing joke when we were playiing the game.  
CG: CHOKE ON A BULGE.  
TG: bois, cant we all just get along?  
TT: Wow, Rolal, such brazen ashen solicitations. I’m getting hot and bothered over here.  
GG: :o  
CG: WE DO *NOT* NEED AN AUSPISTICE.  
TA: we do NOT need an au2pii2tiice.  
TG: lmao whatevs  
CG: FUCK YOU.  
CG: I ACTUALLY AGREE WITH SOLLUX ANYWAYS.  
CG: *NOT* ABOUT THE MEMOS, BUT THAT WE SHOULD HAVE LEFT BY NOW.  
CG: UNFORTUNATELY, MY GOD-AWFUL DANCESTOR TOOK IT UPON HIMSELF TO PACK MORE FIRST-AID SUPPLIES.  
CG: DESPITE THE FACT THAT WE LOADED THE EGBERTS’ CAR WITH MORE BANDAGES AND ANTI-SEPTIC THAN SHOULD BE NEEDED FOR A ROUND TRIP TO THE FURTHEST FUCKING RING.  
GG: well like my grandpa used to say: always be prepared!  
TA: e2peciially iif we’re goiing on a triip wiith vk and ed.  
CG: AT SOME POINT THOUGH, WE REACH THE REALMS OF OVER-PREPAREDNESS. AND I THINK THAT LINE WAS CROSSED AFTER THE TENTH ROLL OF GAUZE.  
CG: IT’S A FUCKING CAMPING TRIP, NOT A FORAY INTO WAR.   
CG: REGARDLESS, SOLLUX ONCE KANKRI GETS HIS SHIT TOGETHER WE’RE GOING TO PICK UP THE MAKARAS BEFORE GETTING YOU TWO.  
TA: FUCK.  
TA: ii'd forgotten that ii wa2 goiing to have to 2pend an extended periiod of tiime, not only iin the company of kk the 2econd, but couple of juggalo2 two.  
CG: WHOA HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE.  
CG: FIRST OF ALL: NEVER CALL HIM THAT AGAIN.  
CG: SECOND OF ALL: YOU HAVE NO ROOM TO COMPLAIN ABOUT MY DANCESTOR WHEN YOURS IS AT *LEAST* AS BAD.  
CG: LAST OF ALL: AS AWFUL AS THE JUGGALO ASSHOLES ARE, AT LEAST KURLOZ KEEPS MITUNA’S SHIT ROUGHLY UNDER WRAPS.  
TA: eh. ii gue22.  
TA: could be wor2e. could be the ampora2.  
CG: AMEN TO THAT.  
TG: speakin of the fishtrolls, ne one talk to fefs or meenah today?  
TG: p sure taht they were spposed to pick me n my daughter-mom like twenty mins ago now  
TA: yeah ii wa2 talkiing two ff liike two miinute2 ago.  
TA: they were goiing to piick up kn and pr up before comiing to get you and r2 but got 2tuck iin traffiic.  
TG: ballin  
\-- ectoBiologist [EB] responded to memo. --  
EB: bad news guys. :(  
CG: OH GOD.  
EB: jane and i are going to be a bit late...  
CG: EGBERT. YOU HAVE PRECISELY ONE MINUTE TO GIVE ME AN EXPLANATION AS TO WHY MY SHIT SHOULD NOT BE PERFORMING A FUCKING PIROUETTE RIGHT NOW.  
EB: okay, well we brought jane’s car to the garage last week because it was time to change its oil.  
EB: and then the technician people found some sort of problem with the car.  
EB: and long story short, we’re not getting the car back until later.  
CG: FUCKING SHIT. MOST OF US HAVEN’T EVEN LEFT OUR HOMES YET AND THE FUCK UPS ARE ALREADY STARTING.  
CG: COULDN'T EVERYONE WAIT UNTIL GETTING TO THE GOD-FORSAKEN CAMPING SITE BEFORE LOSING THEIR COLLECTIVE THINKPANS?  
TT: Did you honestly think that the fuck-ups would wait for us to get to the site before showing up?  
TT: How naïve.  
TT: The truth is, my nubby-horned friend, that the fuck-ups were already here. Waiting.  
EB: no no no no we are NOT going on a strider-rant now!  
TG: omog johnny no dont stop distri there   
TG: he was just hitting his.....  
TG: ...............  
TG: .....................  
TT: Stride.  
TG: ...................  
EB: stride.  
TG: .............  
TG: ...............  
TT: Stride then shades, let’s go.  
TG: .........................................  
CG: THIS IS A COMPLETE WASTE OF TIME.  
TG: (hush u)  
TG: ................  
TG: oh hey the fishmobeel is here  
TG: cya nerds  
\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased responding to memo. --  
GG: stride  
GG: 8)  
TT: Dammit.  
CG: NOW THAT THAT IDIOCY IS OUT OF THE WAY: JOHN.  
EB: karkat.  
CG: *WHEN* EXACTLY WILL YOU GET YOUR CAR BACK? HOW LATE ARE WE TALKING ABOUT HERE?  
EB: umm, i’m not sure! give me a second, i’ll go as jane.  
GG: oh no!!  
GG: i just remembered that theyre the ones with the tents!  
CG: YEAH. THEY HAVE MOST OF THE FOOD, TOO.  
TT: Your carefully laid plans seem to rely an awful lot on Egbert and Crocker.  
CG: HONESTLY, I WOULD HAVE ASKED THE MARYAMS, BUT FOR SOME REASON NEITHER OF THEM HAVE A DRIVER’S LICENSE.   
CG: AND BECAUSE, DESPITE APPEARANCE, JOHN IS USUALLY FAIRLY GOOD ABOUT THIS SORT OF STUFF, AND I GOT THE IMPRESSION THAT CROCKER IS USUALLY RESPONSIBLE.  
CG: HOLY SHIT, FUCKING FINALLY. KANKRI GOT HIS SHIT TOGETHER.  
CG: HANG ON WHILE I SWITCH TO MY PHONE.  
\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased responding to memo. --  
TT: Oh shit, the moderator left.  
GG: :o  
TT: Time to go hogwild.  
GG: bring out the booze  
TT: Captor, quickly find and post as many MLP pictures to the memo as possible.  
TA: no, fuck you.  
\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] responded to memo. --  
CG: I SWEAR TO GOD, STRIDER, I LEAVE THE MEMO FOR FIVE FUCKING SECONDS AND YOU’RE ALREADY FERMENTING REBELLION.  
TT: I would hardly count MLP spam as rebellion.  
CG: YOU DAMN WELL KNOW THE RULES STRIDER: DISCUSSIONS PERTAINING TO EQUESTRIAN ANIMALS ARE STRICTLY OFF-LIMITS EVER SINCE YOUR BROTHER GOT EQUIUS TO PERFORM SLAM-POETRY FOR HIM.  
TA: FUCK kk, ii’d ju2t managed two purge that memory. thank2 a lot.  
CG: THANK STRIDER FOR BRINGING IT UP IN THE FIRST PLACE.  
CG: ANYWAYS, LIKE I WAS SAYING BEFORE WE GOT HOPELESSLY SIDETRACKED. STRIDER, AREN’T YOU ONE OF THE DRIVERS? SHOULDN’T YOU HAVE GONE BY NOW?  
TA: that’2 2tiill pretty riich comiing from you, kk. You JU2T left.  
CG: FUCK YOU; IT’S NOT MY FAULT THAT MY DANCESTOR IS STONE COLD RETARDED.  
TT: Yeah dude, I’m not driving.  
CG: NO, YOU ARE. IT’S RIGHT HERE IN MY SPREADSHEET.  
TT: You have a spreadsheet.  
TT: Of course you do.  
TA: dk, don’t even que2tiion iit. kk’2 the mo2t neurotiic a22hole ii’ve ever met.  
CG: LIKE YOU’RE ONE TO TALK.  
CG: IF YOU’RE NOT DRIVING, THEN WHO IS?  
TT: Damara wanted to, so I was like fuck it. I don’t care either way.  
TA: waiit. you're lettiing aa’2 dance2tor driive you?  
TT: That would be what I just said, yes. Is there a problem with that?  
TA: not really ii gue22. your funeral eiither way.  
GG: she cant be THAT bad you guys  
GG: honestly you trolls are WAY too hard on your dancestors  
CG: HOW MUCH TIME HAVE YOU SPENT WITH THE ALPHA TROLLS?  
TA: 2eriiou2ly. dm ii2 a fuckiing p2ycho.  
GG: whatever :P  
TT: Oh hey, there they are now.  
TT: See y’all at the camp site.  
GG: bye dirk! have a fun trip  
TA: wiith dm driiviing, you’re 2ure to have an iintere2tiing triip eiither way.  
GG: :P  
\-- timaeusTestified[TT] ceased responding to memo. --  
CG: WHERE THE NOOKCHAFING FUCK IS JOHN, HE LEFT TO TALK TO HIS DANCESTOR LIKE TWENTY MINUTES AGO.  
EB: sorry! i'm back!  
GG: did you get caught in one of janes legendary pranks again john?  
EB: i don't want to talk about it.  
EB: but on a completely unrelated note, it looks like jane found my shaving cream.  
GG: hehe  
EB: :B  
CG: SO DO WE HAVE AN ETA?  
EB: uhh, yeah. jane says that the garage people said that the car should be ready before closing tonight.  
CG: WELL THAT’S A FUCKING RELIEF.  
CG: WHEN DO THEY CLOSE?  
EB: ... seven.  
CG: SHIT. SO WORSE CASE SCENARIO YOU GET AT THE CAMPSITE AT HALF PAST NINE.  
GG: whoa! the drive takes two and a half hours??  
CG: CLOSER TO TWO HOURS AND FORTY FIVE MINUTES, BUT YEAH.  
TA: why the fuck diid you book u2 2o far away from the ciity?  
CG: NOWHERE ELSE HAD ENOUGH ROOM FOR ALL THIRTY-FUCKING-TWO OF US WITHOUT US BEING SPREAD OUT OVER THE ENTIRE GROUNDS.  
TA: eh, faiir enough.   
TA: 2tiill though. almo2t three hour2 wiith kk the 2econd and mt. fuck my liife.  
CG: TELL ME ABOUT IT.  
CG: EITHER WAY, THE POINT IS THAT WE ARE *NOT* GOING TO SET UP THE TENTS DURING THE NIGHT CONSIDERING THAT I’M PRETTY SURE THAT MOST OF YOU ASSHOLES AREN’T GOING TO BE ABLE TO SET THEM UP BEFORE IT GETS DARK.  
EB: they’re probably not actually going to take until seven, karkat!  
CG: SORRY, BUT I AM NOT TAKING THAT CHANCE.  
CG: SOLLUX, YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE TO WAIT A WHILE LONGER. I’M GETTING KANKRI TO DROP BY JOHN’S PLACE TO PICK UP THE TENTS BEFORE WE GET THE YOU AND THE MAKARAS.  
TA: fuck iit, at thii2 poiint ii’m re2iigned two ju2t 2pendiing the niight iin the driiveway.  
EB: are you sure that’s a good idea, karkat?  
EB: i mean these tents are pretty massive! there's a reason why it was only going to be me and jane in this car.  
EB: with all this stuff we have to bring there isn’t much room for anyone else!  
GG: maybe we could split the tents up between the cars  
CG: HARLEY YOU’RE A GENIUS.  
CG: I THINK WE COULD FIT ONE OF THE TENTS IN HERE.  
CG: JADE, DO YOU KNOW IF THE NITRAMS HAVE LEFT YET?  
\-- axialTriumph [AT] responded to memo. --  
AT: 8=D < Yes, the Nitrams have left their hive and have already picked up myself as well as my dancestor.  
GG: ummm  
GG: i suppose this is horuss?  
AT: 8=D < Oh! My apologies, human. It had e%aped my mind that I have yet to foalmally introduce myself to most of your kind.  
AT: 8=D < Indeed my name is Horuss Zahhak. Tr001y a pleasure to meet you.  
GG: im jade! nice to meet you too mister zahhak  
GG: but ummm... what is that thing you type at the beginning of your messages?  
AT: 8=D < It is a te%tual representation of my smiling face, of horse!  
AT: 8=D < Why? Does it bother you foal some reason? I know Her Hayness Miss Peixes found some obje%ion to it. If so I e%tend by deepest apologies and will stop using it at once..  
GG: uhh no i guess its fine :S  
TA: ahahahaha thii2 ii2 fuckiing hiilariiou2.  
CG: IT REALLY SORT OF IS.  
AT: 8=D < I’m afraid I don’t understand what you find so filly, young Misters Vantas and Captor.  
GG: just ignore them  
CG: NO, FUCK THAT.  
CG: HORUSS, TELL NITRAM TO DROP BY THE EGBERTS’ HOUSE BEFORE PICKING HARLEY UP AND GRAB AS MANY TENTS AS WILL FIT IN THE CAR.  
EB: wait.  
AT: 8=D < Very well. We sh001d be there within the half-hour.  
AT: 8=D < I 100k foalward to seeing you there, John. Jade, I canter wait to meet you in the flesh.  
\-- axialTriumph [AT] ceased responding to memo. --  
EB: crap! karkat, now i’m going to have a weird horse-obsessed alien at my house!  
GG: he was kind of weird...  
EB: you think?  
GG: i mean not that theres anything wrong with that but  
EB: jade. jade. he wrote with a dick at the beginning of his sentences.  
GG: i know!!!  
CG: AND YOU’RE GOING TO BE SHARING A CAR WITH HIM FOR THE BETTER PART OF THREE HOURS.   
CG: HAVE FUN WITH THAT.  
GG: I KNOW!!!  
EB: at least he probably can’t use dicks in real life.  
CG: REMEMBER JADE: THEY ‘CAN’T BE THAT BAD.’  
GG: oh shut up fuckass   
GG: im sure hes really charming  
TA: a charmiing zahhak. that'll be the day.  
GG: :P  
CG: OKAY, SO KANKRI AND I ARE HEADING TO JOHN’S AND SO ARE THE NITRAMS WITH THE ZAHHAKS.  
CG: MEENAH’S PROBABLY ALREADY GOT THE MARYAMS AND THE LALONDES OUT OF TOWN BY NOW.  
CG: DOES ANYONE KNOW IF THE STRIDERS WERE PICKED UP BEFORE OR AFTER THE PYROPES?  
\-- crookedGrind [CG] responded to memo. --  
CG: sorry l1l v4nt4s but th3 m3g1do-mob1l3 h4z 4lr34dy l3ft town 4nd w3 41nt stopp1n for noth1n!! >8]  
\-- crookedGrind [CG] ceased responding to memo. --  
CG: FUCKING SHIT.  
EB: wait.  
EB: was that terezi?  
CG: NO, IT WAS HER STUPID DANCESTOR.  
CG: THAT ONLY LEAVES ONE OTHER CAR.  
CG: DOES ANYONE KNOW WHERE THE AMPORAS ARE?  
TA: oh fuck.  
\-- caligulasAquarium [CA] responded to memo. --  
\-- twinArmaggedons [TA] ceased responding to memo. --  
CA: wwhats up kar  
CA: wwhoa sol got outta here fuckin fast  
CG: YEAH I THINK HE SET UP A SCRIPT THAT AUTOMATICALLY KICKS HIM FROM A MEMO IF YOU JOIN.  
CA: wwoww wwhat a douche  
CA: as if im not TOTALLY ovver that stupid little black-crush  
CG: I KNOW, I KNOW, WE’VE BEEN OVER THIS.  
CA: yeah but its still annoyin always havvin that shit throwwn in your face  
CA: youd think hed knoww better after sharin a body wwith me for a feww months  
EB: wait what?  
GG: wait what  
CA: didnt your dancestors tell you  
CG: NOW IS NOT THE TIME, ASSHOLES.   
CG: THERE WILL BE PLENTY OF TIME FOR STORYTELLING ONCE WE’RE FUCKING CAMPING.  
CG: WE CAN GATHER AROUND AN OPEN FLAME AND ROAST ARTIFICIAL SUGAR-BASED MONSTROSITIES AS WE REGALE EACH OTHER WITH THE TALES OF OUR MISADVENTURES CAUSED BY THE FACT THAT EACH AND EVERY ONE OF US IS MIND-NUMBINGLY RETARDED.  
CG: IN THE MEANWHILE COUNT DIPSHIT CAN TELL ME WHERE THE FUCK HE AND HIS DOUCHEY DANCESTOR ARE.  
CA: cro an i are just pullin up vvris’ drivvewway an wwe wwere goin to get the autistic cat-girls extraordinaire after   
CA: wwhy  
CG: FINALLY THINGS ARE GOING IN MY FAVOUR.  
CG: JOHN, DON’T THE SPIDERBITCHES LIVE PRETTY CLOSE TO YOU?  
EB: yeah, vriska and aranea live a few streets over.  
CG: YOU HEARD THE HUMAN ERIDAN. ONCE YOU GET THE SERKETS IN YOUR CAR DROP BY JOHN’S PLACE AND PICK UP A TENT OR TWO.  
CA: alright but i dont think wwere goin to havve enough room for a lot of stuff in here  
CA: cros guitar is takin up a fuckin ton a room  
CG: ERIDAN.  
CA: kar  
CG: YOU WILL MAKE ROOM OR I WILL FORCIBLY REMOVE YOUR FINNED HEAD FROM YOUR SHOULDERS.  
CA: fuck fine but its cro youre gunna havve to fight wwith about this  
CA: fuckin dammit  
CG: WHAT NOW.  
CA: cros makin me carry out vvris’ shit  
CG: HA.  
\-- caligulasAquarium [CA] ceased responding to memo. --  
CG: JOHN, GET READY FOR EVERYONE TO SHOW UP. KANKRI AND I ARE ALMOST AT YOUR PLACE AND I DON’T WANT TO FUCKA ROUND FOR HALF AN HOUR AT YOUR HOUSE WHILE WE GET OUR SHIT SORTED.  
EB: yeah... no offense karkat but you guys are weird sometimes. :/  
CG: TRUST ME, I KNOW.  
EB: okay then, see you in a bit!  
GG: bye john!!  
\-- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased responding to memo. --  
GG: i guess i should be going now too...  
GG: jakes been packing for an awfully long time  
CG: OH GOD, WHY WOULD YOU LEAVE ENGLISH TO PACK BY HIMSELF?  
CG: THAT’S A DISASTER WAITING TO HAPPEN.  
GG: you really should try to have more faith in people karkat  
CG: NO FUCK THAT.  
CG: I PUT FAITH IN EGBERT AND LOOK WHERE WE ARE NOW.  
CG: RUNNING AROUND LIKE A BUNCH OF HEADLESS CLUCKBEASTS.  
GG: sigh  
GG: this trip is going to be good for you karkat  
GG: you really need to relax a bit :)  
CG: BITE ME.   
GG: :P  
GG: talk to you in a bit!  
CG: YEAH YEAH, SEE YOU LATER.  
\-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased responding to memo. --  
\-- carcinoGenetecist [CG] ceased responding to memo. --  
\-- CG closed memo. --  


By the time Karkat and Kankri roll up to the Egbert residence, all shit has hit the fan. Eridan and Cronus are locked in a tug of war over a guitar case in the middle of the lawnring while Vriska and her dancestor look on. Vriska wears a grin, shouting encouragement at Eridan while Aranea just has her face in her palms. John and Jane are nowhere to be found. Karkat feels the onset of a migraine setting in. _I swear to fucking God these assholes get more retarded each time_.

“Oh dear,” Kankri says as the two get out of the car. “It seems that something’s triggered poor Cronus considerably.”

Karkat feels his eye twitch involuntarily.

“Hey Karkaaaaaaaat,” Vriska says. “Come to enjoy Amporabowl?”

Whatever Karkat was going to say dies on the way to his mouth. He gives Vriska a flat look. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

“I dunno,” she shrugs. “I think it’s a reference to a human thing ‘cause John called it that before heading out back for the tents." She smirks. "I just like the mental image of a bowl full of fish-faced douchebags.”

Aranea clears her throat. Both Karkat and Vriska flinch at the sound. The tell-tale sign of an Aranea-story is, even after only a few months of living in this weird new world, already burned into their psyches. If Vriska wasn't such a crazy bitch either way and he wasn't saddled with a dancestor who's at least as talkative, Karkat would feel bad for her. “I believe that calling any conflict a ‘-bowl’ is a reference to the human sport of American Football. Admittedly sports in general are outside of my usually sphere of interests, but I have enjoyed reading about our host culture a great deal over the last few months.” She shakes her head. “But I’m getting off-topic. You see the most important annual event in American Football is called the –”

“Oh would you look at that!” Karkat interrupts her. “I seem to have run out of fucks to give.

“Karkat!” Kankri admonishes. “You should never interrupt someone when they are talking. Now I realize that Alternian etiquette was somewhat sparse, but in addition to being incredibly rude, interrupting someone so abruptly might trigger them and that would be entirely unconscionable, now wouldn’t it? Quite frankly, I thought that we had already...”

Karkat doesn’t even try to shut him up: he’s tried enough to realize that Kankri enters a world of his own when he starts ranting about this shit. Instead, he just turns back to Vriska.

“So what the fuck is going on? Why have these assholes gone completely shithive maggots?”

Eridan overhears Karkat's question and answers for Vriksa. “Cro’s bein a fuckin wriggler, that’s what!” he says through gritted teeth.

“Am not!” the other Ampora protests.

"Yeah, that's real fuckin mature Cro, sure showed me."

“Right. Well that answers precisely fuck all," Karkat mutters. "Thanks a lot."

Aranea sighs. “Young Eridan thought that we would be able to fit an extra tent in the car if we removed Cronus’ guitar. Unfortunately Cronus is hearing nothing of it.”

Kankri stops his sermon mid-sentence, sensing a new topic. “Oh dear. He tried to take Cronus’ chosen instrument? Does no one read the lists I’ve complied detailing everyone’s triggers?” Karkat rolls his eyes. His own little world indeed. “Taking his guitar is near the top of Cronus’ list! While I expect this sort of disrespect and indifference from his dancestor, I disappointed that you didn’t know this, Aranea! I can usually expect you to be reasonable about this sort of triggering behavior.”

“Kankri, please." Aranea pinches the bridge of her nose. "Cronus is being unreasonable about this.”

Kankri sighs. “Aranea, how many times have I explained that triggers are not something that one can simply control? If it was as easy as just realizing that they're being unreasonable about it, then no one would have any triggers at all. Part of the difficulties of dealing with triggers is that they can't be reasoned with, functioning at a lower level of-”

“Nope,” Vriska interrupts him, her eyes rolling. “He’s just being a big wriggler.”

Kankri blinks in shock before turning to Vriska. Karkat can hear him taking one huge gulp of air and thinks _fucking shit here it goes_.

“Hey Karkat!” a cheery voice calls from the other side of the wrestling Amporas, where John and Jane just emerged each with a tent thrown over both shoulders. Sidestepping the Amporas, John adds, “Wow these two are still going at it, huh?”

Just then, Cronus makes a triumphant sound as he wrests the guitar case away from Eridan who, carried by his momentum, lands on his butt with an oomph.

Karkat face palms with an audible smack as Vriska jeers at Eridan. "Come on Eridan! Get back up there and fight like a man!"

"Fuck off, Vris," he mutters, flipping her off. Turning back to his dancestor he whines, “Come on, Cro, stop bein such a fuckin’ wriggler about this.” Pointing at Karkat he adds, “Kar said we need to fit as many tents as possible an’ that fuckin’ musical abomination is takin’ up way too much room.”

Cronus huffs and dear God is he really hugging his guitar like a fucking safety-blanket. “No vway. This is not a musical abomination and I’m not leavwing it behind just because Kankri’s little dancestor says to.”

Jane gives a long-suffering sigh and Karkat remembers that the human dancestors are in the same year as the trolls’ dancestors at school. She must be used to their shit by now. “Cronus, you don’t have to leave it behind you know. John and I can bring it along with us when we join you guys later!” She ends her sentence with the sickeningly cheerful Egbert-Harley-trademark smile.

Karkat sees Cronus hesitate just as a dark blue car the size of a small house roars the corner, stopping right behind Kankri’s little crimson car. Even Kankri notices it, his sermon trailing off. As one, all eight of them turn to gape at the building-on-wheels.

The driver’s tinted window retracts, revealing Rufioh’s uncertain smile. “Hey guys,” he says. “Like the car?”

“...I thought you had a Prius,” Jane says after a moment.

Rufioh chuckles awkwardly as the rear-door opens and Equius steps out.

“He does,” the blue-blood says with a sneer. “When these two showed up in that sniveling excuse for a car I STRONGLY insisted on using mine instead.”

“And, uh, we saw no reason not to,” Tavros finishes, emerging from behind Equius, his ridiculously large horns almost getting caught in the car’s doorframe. Karkat assumes that Equius is rolling his eyes behind his cracked sunglasses.

Karkat hears the passenger door open and Horuss’s perpetually grinning, helmeted face peers over the roof at the gathered trolls and humans. “I see you are admiring the car,” he says. “My dancestor and I designed it to be as STRONG as is possible. I even let him install a gas engine instead of the normal steam-powered ones I employ.

“Man, no kidding!” John says. “I bet you could fit, like, all four tents in there!”

“Uhh,” Tavros says. 

“Hrnk,” Equius says.

“Err,” Rufioh says.

It takes Karkat a moment to figure it out. As understanding dawns on him, Karkat slaps his forehead. “It’s filled with towels, isn’t it.” It’s not even a question, really. More of a statement with a faint hope of maybe being corrected.

Horuss gives one emphatic nod. _That grin looks fucking painful as shit_ , Karkat thinks. _It looks like it's been carved into his face._

A moment later, Vriska’s howling with laughter. "Holy shit, Zahhak, you'd think that I'd get used to your weirdness after being your 'neigh'bor, but nope!"

John and the Amporas join a second later while Aranea and Jane start giggling. Kankri furrows his brow at them as he leaps into a lecture about making fun of people about something over which they have no control, not noticing that he is being completely ignored.

Karkat feels his eye twitch again. you really need to relax a bit, she says. Jade has no idea. None.

Equius starts muttering under his breath, his sweat coming off in waves while Tavros eyes him anxiously.

“Our moirails thought it would be foal the best to be prepared,” Horuss explained over the laughter, his smile intact even if his perspiration seems to have increased dramatically. “And I thought it would be better to be safe than sorry.”

“Of course you did,” Karkat says, his voice the epitome of calm. “Clearly it is better to carry around a metric fuck-ton of drying clothes to the middle of the GRUBFUCKING FOREST.” Yes, Karkat is totally calm.

“Glad to have your understanding, Karkat,” Horuss says. “Regardless, I do believe that we hoof enough room in the back foal two of those tents.”

“Oh thank fuck,” Karkat breathes.

Once everyone calms their collective shit down, to Karkat’s eternal astonishment and gratitude, they managed to get the four tents into the three other cars with relatively little fuss. There is a hitch when Vriska and John find out that the majority of the towels that the Zahhaks brought are decorated with the pastel-coloured cartoon hoof-beasts that the older Strider seems to be fascinated by and everyone starts laughing again, but eventually the Rufioh take off with two of the tents with minimal perspiration from the Zahhaks. 

Once they leave, it takes only a little coaxing from Jane to get Cronus to agree to leave his guitar with the Egberts for a few hours. He and Eridan fit one of the tents in with a certain about of difficulty: even without the guitar taking up room, Cronus’ little car that looks like it came out of the human 1950s doesn't have a lot of room for baggage. After a tearful farewell his instrument, Cronus drives Eridan and the Serkets away.

They end up having to take out some of the extra medical supplies that Kankri decided to being along to fit the last tent into his car. It takes Jane pulling her authority on all things related to health as a former Life player to convince him that his fifteen fucking first aid kits are maybe more than a bit unnecessary, but the Insufferable finally caves.

“Man,” John says as they close the trunk to Kankri’s car, having managed to fit the last tent into the vehicle. “This was a LOT more complicated than I thought it was going to be.”

A growling noise emerges from Karkat’s throat against his will. “You and Harley both. You have no idea.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah idk what i'm doing or why this first chapter is so long  
> also why did i decide that i needed a scene with 10 characters in the first chapter that's hella too many people to keep track of like wtf gonna have to avoid that shit later  
> i'm not sure that i did the alpha trolls justice either tbh but oh well


	2. Chapter 2

\-- carcinoGenetecist [CG] opened memo aboard WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE IN THE WOODS. --  
CG: WE ARE NOW OFFICIALLY AN HOUR AND A HALF INTO THE CAR RIDE TO THE FRUITY ASSHOLE CAMPING GROUNDS AND I HAVEN’T HEARD FROM THE MAJORITY OF YOU SINCE THE WHOLE FIASCO AT JOHN’S HOUSE.  
CG: SO I THINK IT’S ABOUT FUCKING TIME FOR A STATUS UPDATE.  
CG: DESPITE EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED BEFORE PICKING UP THE OTHER FOUR, THE TRIP IN MY DANCESTOR’S ODIOUSLY HEMOTYPED-RED CAR HAS BEEN PRETTY PANMELTINGLY BORING SO FAR.  
CG: WE STUCK GAMZEE NEXT TO KANKRI IN THE PASSENGER’S SEAT AND THE SOPOR-ADDLED BULGEMUNCHER’S BEEN ON THE RECEIVING END OF ONE OF HIS LONGEST SERMONS TO DATE.  
CG: SOLLUX AND I CLOCKED IT AND THE INSUFFERABLE GLOBEFONDLER GOT LIKE A SOLID TWO AND A HALF MINUTES OF PREACHING OUT OF A SINGLE BREATH. IT WOULD BE IMPRESSIVE IF IT DIDN'T MAKE ME WANT TO STAB MY OWN EARS WITH DAVE’S 1/2BLADEKIND.  
CG: I’D FEEL SORRY FOR GAMZEE, BUT, HONESTLY, FUCK THAT GUY. ALSO I’M PRETTY SURE THAT HE’S TOO HIGH ON SOPOR FOR ANYTHING TO REALLY FAZE HIM.  
CG: I DON’T KNOW WHO GOT HIM BACK ON THE SLIME PIES, BUT WHOEVER IT WAS DESERVES A FUCKING MEDAL. SERIOUSLY, MASSIVE PROPS ON THAT ONE.  
CG: I SET UP KURLOZ AND MITUNA IN THE MIDDLE ROW, MOSTLY BECAUSE SOLLUX AND I WANTED TO PUT AS MUCH DISTANCE BETWEEN OURSELVES AND THE SERMON AS WAS PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE, SHORT OF GETTING OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR ITSELF.  
CG: THEY'VE BEEN PRETTY QUIET TOO, THANK FUCK.  
CG: I MEAN, KURLOZ CAN’T TALK EITHER WAY, BUT MITUNA’S BEEN ASLEEP PRETTY MUCH THE ENTIRE TIME.  
CG: I THINK THAT KANKRI’S DRONING ACTUALLY HELPED PUT HIM TO SLEEP, SO I GUESS THAT’S ONE WAY THAT THE PREACHING’S HELPFUL?  
\-- gardenGnostic [GG] responded to memo. --  
GG: thats the spirit karkat!  
CG: JADE.  
GG: karkat  
CG: JADE NO.  
GG: come onnnnn, karkat!  
GG: this is supposed to be a fun trip  
GG: turn that >:( into a :D  
CG: ONCE EVERYONE GETS TO THE CAMPSITE AND THE TENTS ARE SET UP I’LL CONSIDER IT.  
CG: UNTIL THEN, I’M RESERVING MY RIGHT TO BE AS ORNERY AS I FUCKING FEEL LIKE, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.  
GG: bluh :P  
CG: SO WHAT’S GOING ON OVER IN THE ZAHHAK’S SWEAT MOBILE?  
GG: no much actually...  
GG: jake turned on his skulltop and is dead to the world watching some of his movies  
CG: I DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW HE USES THAT WORTHLESS HEAP OF SHIT TO BE HONEST.  
GG: yeah i guess it does look a little weird :/  
CG: THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEAN.  
CG: USING THAT UNIVERSE-DESTROYING-LOOKALIKE COMPUTING DEVICE IS LIKE GETTING YOUR EYEBALLS MOLESTED BY THE ELDRITCH REPRODUCTIVE ORGANS OF THE NOBLE CIRCLE OF THE FURTHEST FUCKING RING.  
GG: :I  
GG: have you been talking with rose again?  
CG: IT’S NOT MY FAULT SHE’S ALWAYS AROUND KANAYA, OKAY?  
GG: hehehe  
GG: anyways i think the way that the skulltop works is really cool!  
\-- gustyGumshoe [GG] responded to memo. --  
GG: Hoo hoo of course you’d think that Jade!  
GG: It was your alternate self in our universe that created them, after all.  
GG: even more reason to think that theyre great!  
GG: :B  
CG: OH THANK JEGUS FUCK, CROCKER.  
GG: Erm.  
CG: WHAT?  
GG: It’s Egbert now, actually.   
GG: I know it seems a little silly, but I’m not really the biggest fan of the name Crocker at the moment...  
GG: yeah... :/  
CG: OKAY WOW FUCK, GOOD POINT.   
CG: SORRY ABOUT THAT.  
CG: EGBERT.  
CG: ACTUALLY FUCK THAT TOO, IT FEELS LIKE I’M TALKING TO JOHN WHEN I SAY THAT.  
GG: Maybe a simple ‘Jane’ would suffice?  
CG: FUCK, FINE.  
CG: JANE.  
GG: Hoo hoo!   
GG: Yes, Karkat?  
CG: HAVE YOU HEARD FROM YOUR USELESS EXCUSE FOR A MECHANIC YET?  
GG: In fact I have!  
GG: The car will be ready in about a half an hour. So we should get there at about six o’clock?  
CG: THANK FUCK.  
\-- twinArmageddons [TA] responded to memo. --  
TA: oh here you are.  
TA: ii wa2 2tartiing two worry over here, kk.  
TA: you hadn’t lo2t your 2hiit iin over two miinute2.  
TA: 2o, of cour2e, there’2 another memo goiing on.  
CG: FUCK YOU TOO, ASSWIPE.  
GG: hey sollux!  
GG: Hello, Mister Captor. :B  
TA: 2up jd, jn.  
GG: isnt john jn?  
TA: fuck, ii don’t know. they can both be both jn.  
TA: you guy2 really fucked up wiith your name2, you know that?  
TA: me22e2 wiith my quiirk 2omethiing awful.  
TA: kk fucked up two wiith hii2 dance2tor. fuckiing two kk2, ii 2wear two god.  
CG: WOE IS YOU, YOU POOR BIFURCATED DOUCHEBAG.  
TA: FUCK ii know. not even any refuge iin my worthle22 excu2e of a quiirk.  
GG: maybe we can convince john and karkat to change their names to make your life easier  
CG: WHAT  
CG: WHY DO I HAVE TO CHANGE *MY* NAME?  
CG: WHY CAN'T KANKRI CHANGE HIS NAME?  
TA: becau2e you’re my be2t friiend and ii don’t want two talk two your dance2tor?  
TA: and al2o becau2e you 2tiill owe me for droppiing my a22 down the 2taiir2 when ed went on hii2 rampage?  
CG: HOLY SHIT, ARE YOU STILL ON ABOUT THAT?  
CG: I SAID I WAS SORRY ALREADY, JEGUS FUCK. AND IN MY DEFENSE, I WAS FUCKING SOILING MYSELF THANKS TO THE MURDEROUS PSYCHOPATHIC CLOWN ON THE LOOSE BENT ON DETACHING MY HEAD FROM MY SHOULDERS.  
TA: yeah, ii’m ju2t fuckiing wiith you.  
CG: YOU REALLY ARE A REPREHENSIBLE PIECE OF SHIT SOMETIMES, YOU KNOW THAT?  
\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] responded to memo. --  
TT: c3<  
CG: OH MY GOD NOT THIS SHIT AGAIN.  
CG: SOLLUX AND I DON’T NEED AN AUSPISTICE.  
TA: 2eriiou2ly r2, fuck off.  
TT: Oh, but it’s so easy to get a rise out of you like this.  
GG: Well that seems a bit mean-spirited, Rose.  
TT: Perhaps.  
TT: But they’re so brazen in their ashen-baiting that I have difficulty leaving it alone.  
GG: :/  
CG: WE ARE *NOT* ASHEN-BAITING.  
TA: we are NOT a2hen-baiitiing.  
TT: Really, it’s nothing to be ashamed of.   
CG: FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC.  
CG: NOW THE HUMAN IS GOING TO GIVE US THE QUADRANT TALK.  
CG: PLEASE REGALE US WITH YOUR VAST KNOWLEDGE OF THE QUADRANTS.  
CG: I’M ESPECIALLY INTERESTED IN YOUR EXPERTISE IN THE ASHEN-QUADRANT CONSIDERING THE TRAIN WRECK THAT HAPPENED BETWEEN TEREZI AND GAMZEE.  
TA: waiit.  
TA: r2, diid you try two auspii2tiiciize between tz and gz?  
TA: hehe, a++ job on that one.  
GG: I feel like I’m missing out on something over here.  
GG: seriously...  
TT: While I admittedly screwed the proverbial pooch with the whole Terezi/Gamzee scenario, I have since made efforts to rectify my woeful ignorance on the subject of your forms of romance.   
TT: And from what I've learned this is a classic case of ashen-baiting.  
TT: While the two of you are literally right next to each other in real life, you insist on airing your petty disputes out in the most public place available: this memo.  
TT: Petty really in the most appropriate word to describe your little feuds, because while you both maintain constant levels of vitriol at each other, it is not worthy of any intervention due to its frivolous nature.  
TT: But you simply insist on going at it until someone throws clubs in your general direction.  
GG: :o  
TA: holy 2hiit.  
CG: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.  
GG: That was quite a doozy, Rose!  
\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] responded to memo. --  
GA: Im Afraid Im Going To Have To Ask You To Stop Dear  
GA: Youre Making Sollux And Karkat Uncomfortable  
CG: OH THANK FUCK.  
CG: ONCE AGAIN, KANAYA PROVES TO BE THE REASONABLE ONE OF THE MATESPRITSHIP.  
TT: Oh come now, Kanaya. I’m simply having a little fun.  
GA: Rose  
TT: Sigh.  
TT: If I must.  
TT: But boys, if you ever want to chat about this, you know where to find me.  
TT: ;)  
CG: HOLY GOD, THAT IS SOMEHOW EVEN MORE OFF-PUTTING THAN ARADIA’S CREEPY-ASS DEATH-FAN-GIRL SMILES.  
TA: leave aa out of thii2, douche.  
TT: c3<  
TA: WOW okay fuck pretend ii diidn’t 2ay anythiing.  
CG: AGREED, THIS TOPIC NEEDS TO BE DROPPED FUCKING YESTERDAY.  
GG: Hoo hoo! I have to say this is all very amusing!  
GG: hehe yeah  
GG: you guys are so silly sometimes!  
CG: I SAID SUBJECT DROPPED.  
GG: :B  
GG: :B  
TA: well that’2 terriifyiing.  
GA: It Really Is In A Sort Of Saccharinely Wholesome Way Isnt It  
CG: SO THEN.  
CG: HOW’S IT GOING IN MEENAH’S CAR?  
TA: 2eemle22 fucking 2egue, kk.  
CG: STFU  
GA: I Believe We Have Been Calling It The Peixes Mobile  
TT: *Mobeel  
TA: eheh niice.  
GA: Ah Yes Of Course How Silly Of Me  
GA: Asterix Mobeel  
GA: Regardless The Trip Has Been Fairly Uneventful To Be Perfectly Honest  
GA: We Have Mostly Just Been Reading  
GA: Rose Has Been Working On A Scarf For Feferi  
GA: Its Quite Cute Actually Ill Have To Show It To You Once We Arrive At Our Destination  
GA: Though I Suppose There Was A Brief Kerfuffle Over Who Would Get To Control The Radio  
TA: what.  
TT: Meenah insisted that the driver gets control of the radio, but I’m fairly certain that’s just her royalty complex kicking in.  
TT: Porrim, Roxy, Feferi and I persuaded her that democracy is a far superior system of radio-control.  
TA: ii2 iit really a complex iif 2he actually ii2 a priince22?  
CG: ACCORDING TO ROSE, EVERYTHING IS SOME COMPLEX OR DISORDER OR OTHER. SO PROBABLY, YEAH.  
GG: rose IS a fan of her diagnoses  
TT: ;)  
GG: Hoo hoo!  
GG: So if you don’t mind, what are you girls listening to now?  
GA: Troll Nicki Minaj  
GG: Truly one of the great artists of our time.  
GA: Quite  
CG: MEH.  
CG: SHE’S GOT NOTHING ON TROLL WILL SMITH.  
CG: THAT TROLL CAN RAP *AND* ACT.  
TA: well that ju2t goe2 wiithout 2ayiing.  
\-- turntechGodhead [TG] responded to memo. --  
TG: yo are we talking about troll will smith  
TG: fuck yes that troll is a legend  
GG: hi dave!  
TG: sup  
GG: i didnt know you were a fan of troll will smith, dave  
TG: jade please  
TG: i spent like a year as karkats best bro while we were on that meteor  
TG: i was either going to become a fan of troll will smith or commit troll harakiri  
CG: HE’S NOT WRONG.  
GG: well yeah but youve been johns bro practically forever and you still dont like nic cage  
GG: not even ironically  
GG: wait  
GG: do you just like troll will smith ironically or normally?  
TG: no see nic cage is a piece of trash actor, right  
TG: and john likes him with like 100% sincerity   
TG: so i cant even like him ironically cause john the little schmuck would take that as approval of his fanboyness  
TG: which is totally a word dont even sweat it  
TG: fucking legit scrabble word im telling you  
TG: too legit to quit  
TG: 18 points of pure unadulterated board game dominance  
TT: Did you memorize the point values of letters in Scrabble, or are you making this up?  
GG: nope! hes right  
TG: not the point  
TG: but like troll will smith is a master  
TG: if he showed up at the jedi temple with qui-gon instead of anakin yoda would be all like whoa  
TG: training i forbid  
TG: already master he is  
TG: and the council would be all like whoa  
TG: look  
TG: the guy just transcends irony  
CG: AND HONESTLY, I’M A LITTLE OFFENDED THAT YOU WOULD EVEN COMPARE THE TWO, JADE.  
GG: sooooorry! :P  
GG: i dont think ill ever understand irony   
GG: Don’t feel bad Jade, I’ve asked Di-Stri to explain his irony to me countless times and each attempt it goes soaring over my head!  
TG: yeah the path of the ironic rapping roof ninjas isnt for everyone  
TG: maybe someday ye will be enlightened  
TT: We are all waiting with bated breath for that fateful day.  
TG: damn right you are  
TG: the day that happens you can be officially inaugurated into the strider clan  
TT: I must say though that I’m surprised you’re responding to this memo at all, brother dear.  
TT: From our last communications I had assumed you’d be too busy with whatever shenanigans are apparently going on over there to have access to pesterchum.  
TG: you are severely underestimating my ability to type and do other things at the same time  
TG: you should know by now that im like the troll will smith of typing and doing other shit  
TG: i am to multitasking what bro is to weird puppet porn  
TT: ...Turned on by it?  
TG: wait fuck no bad example  
TG: shit whos good at sports  
GG: What sport?  
TG: doesnt matter just give me a good sports guy  
GG: Tiger Woods?  
TG: fuck yes  
TG: im to multitasking what tiger woods is to  
TG: sports  
TT: He plays golf.  
TG: stfu i knew that  
TG: see its this sort of thing that is just embarrassingly obvious to those of us more versed in the finer points of irony  
TG: like they dont even teach this shit at university  
TG: you know why  
TA: becau2e iit’s complete b2 and you make iit up a2 you go along?  
TG: no way dude  
TG: this is the sort of thing im talking about  
TG: the reason that universities dont offer irony classes is because of the uncultured masses like you refusing to see the true beauty in the awful  
CG: NOT THAT THIS ISN’T ENTIRELY FUCKING FASCINATING, BUT I HAVE A QUESTION.  
CG: WHAT POSSIBLE REASON COULD YOU POSSIBLY HAVE TO MULTITASK IN A FUCKING CAR?  
CG: WHAT BULLSHIT SHENANIGANS HAVE YOU MANAGED TO GET YOURSELF INTO?  
TG: ok so in my defense before you flip your shit  
TG: i actually had basically nothing to do with it  
TG: i am totally an innocent bystander  
TG: but like fuck im gunna be the wet-blanket voice of reason and get them to stop  
TG: if i ever do that rose i need you to slap me  
TT: Noted.  
CG: I’M STILL WAITING, BULGEMUNCH.  
TG: actually wait a second  
TG: you guys are that red-ass mazda piece of shit right  
TA: ye2.  
TG: hang on a sec were going to try to catch up to you  
CG: WHAT  
CG: DIDN’T YOU GUYS LEAVE TOWN LIKE TWENTY MINUTES BEFORE US?  
TG: yeah we had to stop for a bit  
CG: WHY?  
TG: shenanigans  
CG: WHY AM I NOT FUCKING SURPRISED? IT’S ALWAYS WORTHLESS, NOOKSLURPING SHENANIGANS WITH YOU PEOPLE.  
GG: :P  
GG: you should try it sometime karkat! nothing beats some good shenaniganry  
TG: listen to the harley, dude  
TG: shes like a god damn shenanigans connoisseur  
TG: okay now look out the window to your left

Karkat looks up from his phone to look at the troll sitting to his right. Sollux returns the look at the same time. Then, slowly, his gaze drifts off Karkat’s face and to the window behind him.

Sollux’s jaw drops.

 _Oh this can’t be good._ The migraine that had started at John’s place and had subsided over the last hour and a half makes it presence felt again.

“Do I want to know?” he asks Sollux.

“Probably not,” he says.

Just as Karkat steels himself to look behind him, he hears Kankri yelp from the driver’s seat:

“Dear God, is that Latula!?!”

TA: what the fuck.  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK.  
TG: yeah pretty much  
GG: what??  
GG: What’s going on?  
CG: THERE IS NO  
CG: JUST  
CG: WHY  
TA: dv, ii thiink you ju2t broke kk.  
TG: shit not again  
GA: Oh Dear  
GG: whats going on!?!  
TA: ll’s lo2t her fuckiing miind, that’2 what.  
TT: Not that that isn’t a completely helpful description, but perhaps a bit more wouldn’t hurt.  
TA: ll’s on her 2kateboard hangiing ontwo dm’2 car by a rope tiied around her waii2t.  
TT: ...  
GA: That Doesnt Sound Very Safe  
GG: Not really...  
TA: forget 2afe, we’re goiing at 2iixty miile2 per hour how the fuck ii2 thii2 even phy2iically po22iible?  
GG: it sounds like fun is what it sounds like!  
CG: STRIDER WHY  
TG: search me dude i just went along with it cause it sounded cool  
\-- apocalypseArisen [AA] responded to memo. --  
AA: i think that terezi and latula were calling it radness  
TG: oh yeah  
TG: ‘r4d stuntz yo’  
TG: tealed for extra pyrope swag  
TA: 2hould ii be worriied, aa?  
AA: nope!   
AA: well i mean not anymore  
TA: ...what do you mean not anymore?  
TG: doesnt really matter anymore  
TG: but basically dams is fucking psycho  
TG: like i know you told bro before we left but holy shit  
TG: redefining what it means to tokyo drift  
TG: every corner was our bitch  
TG: the speed limit wasnt really a thing  
TG: like even less than it is now cause now we have to go a bit slower to not kill tula  
TG: but like before jfc  
TG: i didnt even know it was possible to make turns like that at 60 mph  
TG: vin diesel would be proud  
TG: wait shit he wasnt even in that movie  
TG: w/e who even cares  
CG: DAVE.  
TG: thats my name yeah  
CG: INCREDIBLE.  
CG: NOW GET TEREZI’S SHITHIVE MAGGOTS DANCESTOR BACK INTO THE CAR.  
AA: why? she looks like shes having a great time out there  
AA: shes actually really good with that thing  
CG: BE THAT AS IT MAY, I THINK KANKRI’S GOING TO HAVE A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN.  
TG: would you say that hes triggered  
CG: NO FUCK YOU.  
TA: ii don’t know, kk, he look2 pretty triiggered riight now.  
CG: I DESPISE THE TWO OF YOU.  
TT: My, my!  
TT: Do I hear clubs?  
CG: ASGNAIGUJASD  
\-- CG banned TT from responding to memo. --  
GG: :O  
GG: karkat!  
GA: That wasn’t very nice.  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK.  
CG: HOLY SHIT, DID YOU STEAL KANAYA’S PHONE?  
GA: Who said I stole anything?  
GA: ;)  
CG: NOPE NOPE NOPE  
CG: NO OFFENSE KANAYA, THIS IS AIMED AT LALONDE, NOT YOU.  
CG: INNOCENT BYSTANDERS AND ALL THAT.  
CG: YOU UNDERSTAND.  
\-- CG banned GA from responding to memo. --  
GG: Shucks, that was a bit of an overreaction, don’t you think?  
TA: iif you thiink thii2 ii2 an overreactiion, you haven’t talked two kk enough.  
TG: yeah  
TG: to be honest im more surprised that he took this long to ban her  
TA: 2eriiou2ly.  
AA: haha  
AA: remember those memos you made during the game karkat?  
AA: you used to use the old transtimeline feature on trollian to argue with yourself  
CG: DON’T REMIND ME.  
AA: too bad this universes version of trollian doesnt have that feature too  
AA: i have some of the memos from the game stored somewhere if anyone wants to go over them  
TG: oh shit are you serious  
TG: because rezi told me all about them on the meteor  
TG: but she didn’t have any of them saved for some reason  
AA: that seems unlike her  
TG: yeah i know  
GG: maybe she deleted them?  
TG: but why would she do that  
CG: NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, THAT’S WHY.  
TA: touchy twoday, aren’t we now.  
CG: BITE ME.  
CG: SO ARE YOU ASSHOLES GOING TO GET LATULA BACK IN THE CAR OR ARE YOU GOING TO WAIT FOR KANKRI TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK AND KILL US ALL IN A HORRIFIC CAR ACCIDENT.  
CG: WOULDN’T THAT JUST BE FUCKING PERFECT.  
CG: WE FINALLY MANAGE TO CREATE A NEW UNIVERSE FOR ALL OF US TO LIVE IN THAT ISN'T INFESTED WITH SOME FORM OF INTER-REALITY SPANNING CANCER AND WHAT HAPPENS?  
CG: TWELVE OF US DIE IN ONE OF THE MOST PEDESTRIAN WAYS POSSIBLE WITHIN THE SWEEP.  
CG: FUCKING UNCONSCIONABLE IS WHAT IT WOULD BE.  
TG: aight aight dude calm your tits  
AA: hold on a second karkat ill get damara to slow down a bit

A moment later, Karkat sees Latula wave at their car one last time, squinting at the tinted glass, presumably to catch a look at her matesprit.

_Jegus fuck, thank God Kankri’s freak-out didn’t wake him up._ On the list of things that Karkat wants right then, a Mituna flailing around waving and screaming at his matesprit on a skateboard tied to a car driving at 60 mph on the highway is somewhere between ripping his own teeth out and sticking his bonebulge in a blender.

Which is to say not very high.

Latula catches up to the maroon car in a few seconds later, and Karkat experiences a brief pang of fear because _wait how the nookchafing fuck is she supposed to get back in?_ , but just then, the trunk opens from the inside, and the figure of Dirk Strider reaches out to pull the Pyrope back into the vehicle. The two raise a hand in goodbye, and Karkat sees Terezi wave as well, slightly more emphatically, and he thinks he hears her mad cackling.

“Oh thank goodness,” Kankri mutters from the front of the car.

As soon as the trunk closes, the Megidos’ car accelerates, leaving Kankri’s car behind.

CG: AND THANK YOU ARADIA FOR BEING A REASONABLE TROLL BEING.  
AA: haha no problem  
AA: but i think dave and i are going to have to leave the memo now  
GG: oh noooooo  
GG: why?  
TG: cause bros a wet blanket thats why  
AA: i think were going to watch a movie!  
GG: That sounds like fun.  
GG: Unless...  
GG: Is it one of Dirk’s movies?  
AA: yep  
GG: Oh. Well have fun with that then, hoo hoo!  
TG: yeah this ought to be good  
TG: vintage irony shit  
CG: UGH.  
GG: have fun dave and aradia!  
TA: and try not two diie between here and the camp2iite.  
AA: ill do my best :)  
AA: bye!  
TG: peace  
\-- apocalypseArisen [AA] ceased responding to memo. --  
\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased responding to memo. --  
TA: fuckiing knew lettiing dm driive was a bad iidea.  
GG: im sure theyll be fine  
CG: SO HAS ANYONE HEARD FROM THE AMPORAS’ CAR?  
CG: THEY’VE BEEN RADIO SILENT ON MY END SINCE WE LEFT EGBERT’S PLACE.  
CG: EQUIUS?  
CG: JADE, TELL HIM TO RESPOND TO THE MEMO.  
GG: on it  
\-- centaursTesticle [CT] responded to memo. --  
CT: D --> What do you want  
CG: WOW, FUCK YOU TOO.  
CT: D --> Hrk  
CT: D --> Sorry, I have been feeling a little on edge recently  
CG: WHAT  
CG: WHY?  
CT: D --> None of your concern, Vantas  
CG: FINE WHATEVER. JUST DON’T START FLIPPING YOUR SHIT IN THERE WITHOUT YOUR COMBAT ROBOTS TO TAKE YOUR ANGER ON.  
CT: D --> Of course not, I would never do something so 100di%ly f001ish  
GG: 100di%ly? I’m afraid I don’t understand what that’s supposed to mean.  
GG: I’m reading that as one-hundred-dicks-ly, and while that’s pretty funny if I do say so myself, it also doesn't make a lick of sense!  
GG: hihihihi, yeah  
CT: D --> Er  
CT: D --> Ludicrously  
CT: D --> My apologies, that, perhaps, was stretching the limits of my quirk  
TA: ju2t a biit.   
CT: D --> Silence, mustard-b100d  
GG: :/  
GG: Oh! No, I see what you mean, it’s fine.  
CG: LOOK, THE POINT IS DON’T FUCKING KILL ANYONE. HAVE YOU BEEN TALKING TO YOUR MOIRAIL?  
CT: D --> Yes, though I fail to see how that's anything even remotely approaching your business  
CG: IT’S MY BUSINESS BECAUSE I’M YOUR FUCKING LEADER AND I HAVEN’T HEARD FROM ERIDAN’S CAR SINCE WE LEFT.  
CG: SO WHAT’S GOING ON OVER THERE?  
CG: OR SHORT OF THAT, GET NEPETA TO ANSWER THE FUCKING MEMO.  
CT: D --> I do not believe that is stri%ly possible at the moment  
CG: WHAT  
CG: WHY THE FUCK NOT?  
CT: D --> I'd  
CT: D --> Rather not say  
CG: WHAT IF I WERE TO ORDER YOU TO TELL ME?  
CT: D --> HRNK  
GG: :o  
GG: i didnt think it was possible for a single troll to make that much sweat!  
CG: JEGUS FUCK I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN.  
CG: LET’S PRETEND I DIDN’T ASK THAT.  
GG: do you need a towel, equius?  
CT: D --> No than%, human,  
CT: D --> I already have one on hand  
TA: of cour2e you do.  
CT: D --> 100k, the issue is that I am uncomfortable giving you information of this type that does not stri%ly concern either of us  
CT: D --> At least directly  
CG: WHAT THE GLOBEFONDLING FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? WHAT DO YOU MEAN ‘THIS TYPE OF INFORMATION’?  
CT: D --> I am not at liberty to say  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK EVER.  
CG: WHY HASN’T ERIDAN RESPONDED THEN? THAT ASSHOLE’S USUALLY ALL OVER THIS TYPE OF SHIT.  
TA: plea2e no.  
\-- arachnidsGrip [AG] responded to memo. --  
AG: Well don’t worry your pretty little mutant head, Captor, 8ecause he’s not answering this memo any time soon.  
AG: Neither will Nepeta, as far as that goes.  
AG: Or should I say neigh-ther, Zahhak????????  
CT: D --> Can it, Serket  
CG: WHAT  
CG: VRISKA, WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?  
AG: Man, I’d tell you, 8ut there’s no way that you’d 8elieve me, soooooooo........  
AG: All I’m going to say is that it’s completely fucking hysterical, and that we’re pro8a8ly going to need some of those medical supplies that your whiny dancestor 8rought, Karkat.  
GG: Gosh, that doesn’t sound good at all.  
GG: oh noooooooo  
GG: is someone hurt?  
AG: Nah, they’re fine, just a 8it of superficial 8leeding.  
CT: D --> No, stop  
CT: D --> I order you to drop the subje% immediately  
CG: ORDER COUNTER-FUCKING-MANDED.  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED THAT YOU WON’T EVEN TELL US BECAUSE WE WON’T BELIEVE YOU?  
CG: SINCE WHEN DO YOU EVEN CARE ABOUT THAT?  
AG: I reeeeeeeeally sort of don’t.  
AG: 8ut at the same time I want to see your reactions when you find out.  
AG: Also, I’m pretty sure that if I said it now, we’d lose Harley to flood of sweat, so there’s that.  
GG: :I  
GG: To be frank, I agree with Equius on this matter. If he says it’s none of our concern, then we should wait for them to tell us themselves!  
CG: FUUUUUUUUCK  
CG: FINE, WHATEVER, AS LONG AS EVERYONE’S STILL ALIVE ONCE WE GET THERE.  
AG: No promises. :::;)  
\-- arachnidsGrip [AG] ceased responding to memo. --  
TA: well that’2 fuckiing omiinou2.  
CG: YEAH, I DON’T LIKE IT EITHER, BUT WHAT THE FUCK CAN WE DO?  
GG: well, at least aranea’s there to keep everything under control, right?  
CG: BECAUSE ARANEA’S COMPLETELY SANE AND NOT LIKELY TO MAKE ANY IDIOTIC MOVES THAT ALMOST FUCK EVERYTHING UP.  
CT: D --> I agree, I am e%tremely uncomfortable leaving my moirail in the care of the odious seadwellers and cer001ian-b100ded h001igans  
CT: D --> Captor, use your hacking prowess to locate them at once so that I may corre% the situation myself  
TA: dude, ii know that ii’m 2uper hot 2hiit at hackiing, but there’2 only 2o fuckiing much ii can do wiith thii2 piiece of 2hiit phone  
GG: this is why i never leave the house with at least nine computing devices!  
GG: you never know what youll need to do out there  
TA: i fuckiing wanted two, but aa iin2ii2ted that ii get away from technology on the trip.  
TA: iit'2 a fuckiing miiracle that ii even have thii2 phone at all.  
CT: D --> Yes, I suppose I c001d see Aradia being a  
CT: D --> Forceful  
CT: D --> Moirail  
GG: err, do you need another towel, equius?  
TA: FUCK eq 2top beiing 2o fuckiing weiird about aa.  
GG: this one’s got the rainbow-pegasus that dirk likes so much  
CT: D --> Hrnk  
CT: D --> My than%  
CG: ALRIGHT, ONCE PEOPLE START HANDING EQUIUS TOWELS, THAT’S WHEN YOU KNOW THAT THE CONVERSATION HAS GONE FOR TOO FUCKING LONG.  
CG: UNLESS ANYONE HAS ANYTHING MORE TO SAY, I’M SHUTTING THIS FUCKING MEMO DOWN.  
GG: i got nothing  
GG: oh wait, did anyone else see the season finale of squiddles?  
CG: ...  
GG: hehe just kidding  
GG: ill see you all at the camp site in a bit, then!  
CG: CAMP SITES 6-12, REMEMBER.  
GG: yep!  
GG: bye!  
CG: SEE YOU LATER.  
\-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased responding to memo. --  
CT: D --> I suppose I sh001d be taking my leave as well  
\-- centaursTesticle ceased responding to memo. --  
GG: Well, then I guess it’s toodles from me too!  
CG: JUST MAKE SURE THAT ONE OF EITHER YOU OR JOHN TROLLS ME WHEN YOU GET YOUR CAR BACK, OKAY?  
GG: Hoo hoo, no problem!  
\-- gustyGumshoe [GG] ceased responding to memo. --  
CG: SOLLUX, GET THE FUCK OUT SO I CAN CLOSE THE MEMO.  
TA: you know ii’m riight next two you, riight? you COULD ju2t a2k me out loud.  
CG: SAME GOES FOR YOU, TAINTSTAIN.  
TA: ......  
TA: fiine.  
\-- twinArmageddons [TA] ceased responding to memo. --  
\-- carcinoGenetecist [CG] ceased responding to memo. --  
\-- CG closed memo. --

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that took a while, but i blame the fact that i was in europe for two weeks  
> capter one was basically 50-50 pesterlog-prose, and this one about 90% pesterlog. from now on, though, it should be mostly prose, so hold on to your underpants.


	3. Chapter 3

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering carcinoGenetecist [CG] \--  
EB: okay karkat, we have acquired the car and are on our way now!  
CG: THANK FUCK.   
CG: TRY NOT TO DIE ON THE WAY TO THE CAMPSITE.  
EB: hehe, i’ll do my best. :B  
EB: you try not to blow your rage glands before i get there.  
CG: THAT MAY PROVE TO BE IMPOSSIBLE, JOHN.  
CG: I’M NOT MAKING ANY PROMISES I CAN’T KEEP.  
EB: hehehe  
EB: see you there!  
CG: YEAH, BYE.  
\-- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering carcinoGenetecist [CG] \--  


There is only one other car on the campsite when Kankri rolls up. Meenah’s fuchsia minivan is parked in lot six, the first one on the path into the camping grounds. Kankri parks right next to it.

Karkat is pretty proud of the camping grounds he chose, to be honest. The seven camping grounds are fairly small individually, which is why he booked so many, and arranged in a semi-circle so that there’s a small grove of trees in the middle. Karkat also made sure that it was fairly secluded from the rest of the camping grounds when he booked it because, let’s be real, they are going to be completely fucking obnoxious for the entire weekend. That isn’t Karkat judging his sorry excuse for friends, that’s just him accepting an immutable fact of life.

As Karkat gets out of the car, he sees Meenah begrudgingly hand over a handful of bills to Porrim from where they’re sitting at one of the picnic tables with Rose and Kanaya. Roxy and Feferi are nowhere to be found.

“You just cost me a hundred bucks, nubs!” Meenah calls out to him.

“What the fuck! I didn’t do anything!” Karkat yells back at her, throwing his arms in the air.

The corners of Porrim’s mouth twitch. “She bet that Damara’s car would get here before anyone else. Mind that I hardly thought that Kanny would be the one to beat her, but I’ll take the money regardless.”

“I’ve have asked a million times to not be called that,” Kankri protests, despite no one really listening.

“Wait a thecond,” Sollux says emerging from the car. “DM hathn’t gotten here yet?”

Meenah pouts. “Naut unless the witch figured out to turn glubbin’ infishible, Carptor.”

Sollux and Karkat look at each other for a moment.

“That doesn’t make any sense,” Karkat says. “They passed us more than an hour ago going at way-too-fucking-many miles an hour. How the flying shit are they not here by now?”

“Motherfucking miracles, bro,” an unfortunately familiar voice says from right behind Karkat.

He jumps a good three feet in the air before whipping around to face Gamzee. “Don’t DO that you spoor-addled, globe-fondling MURDERCLOWN, holy fucking _shit_!”

Gamzee’s dopey-ass smile barely dips. “Don’t be all up and motherfucking like that, Karbro. Just motherfucking reveling in the miracles all motherfucking around us, you know?”

Karkat gesticulates wildly at nothing in particular. “Not even dealing with you right now. Go help Mituna and Kurloz unload the fucking car.”

The purple-blood gives him two thumbs up before sauntering back to help the two Beforans.

The seven people at the table eye the departing troll warily. Kankri doesn’t even take advantage the moment of silence to launch into a sermon, which is fucking miraculous enough for Karkat.

“Seriously, though,” he says. “Where the fuck is Megido’s car?”

Rose shrugs. “No clue. I haven’t heard from my dear brother since the unfortunate debacle that happened in the memo.” Her lips twitch slightly.

“Do NOT fucking start with that, Lalonde,” Karkat says. “I swear to God I will fucking flip this table!”

“He’ll do it too,” Sollux says. “I’ve seen it.”

Meenah nods, a smirk on her face.

“I don’t think that will be necessary, Karkat,” Kanaya says. Eyeing her matesprit she adds, “Will it, Rose?”

Rose winks at Karkat and Sollux. “I don’t think it should be, no,” she says with a grin.

“Oh.” Porrim raises an eyebrow. “Is this the ashen thing you two were talking about?” she asks her dancestor.

Kankri perks up, his eyes wide. “What?!”

“I _said_ that we weren’t fucking starting with this!” Karkat shouts. Turning to Sollux he says, “Troll Aradia. _Some_ thing has clearly gone wrong.”

Sollux plops down on the seat next to Kanaya, taking his phone out of his pocket. “Bifurcation gimmick athide, no need to tell me twithe.” Muttering something about _fucking DM, I thwear to God_ , Sollux starts furiously typing at the touch-screen.

“So,” Karkat says, sitting across from Sollux, right next to Meenah. “How long have you been here?”

Meenah shrugs. “I ‘unno. Maybe fishteen minnows?”

Karkat winces at the puns. Most of the time he can stand them, but sometimes Meenah just gets _really fucking obtuse_ with them. Her hanging around Feferi so much since the end of the game has only made it worse.

“Oh. So where the shit have Feferi and Roxy managed to fuck off to in that short amount of time?”

“My sistermom and Feferi went to go get some firewood from the main building,” Rose answers. “But I suppose it’s equally likely that they went to inspect the lake before doing that.”

“Uhh,” Sollux says, looking up from his phone. “KK?”

_Oh fuck._

“Do I want to know?” Karkat asks.

“That’th a tholid ‘no’.”

“Didn't think so. Shit.”

Kanaya peers over Sollux’ shoulder. “Oh dear. Karkat, perhaps you should check your phone.”

A crash sounds from the back of Kankri’s car. Karkat whips around only to see Gamzee face firmly planted in the ground and the tent on top of him, Mituna laughing and pointing.

Karkat’s eye twitches.

\-- carcinoGenetecist [CG] opened memo aboard WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE IN THE WOODS. --  
CG: FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK  
CG: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?  
CG: WHY ISN’T DAMARA’S CAR ALREADY HERE? YOU MATERIAL-GUZZLING FUCKNUGGETS PASSED US MORE THAN A NOOKCHAFING HOUR AGO.  


Sollux snorts from across the table, eyes on his phone. “Eloquent ath alwayth, KK.”

“Stuff it.”

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] responded to memo. --  
GC: TH3R3 TH3R3 K4RK4T  
GC: R3M3MB3R TO BR34TH3 >:P  
GC: K4RKL3S?  
GC: 4R3 YOU ST1LL TH3R3?  
CG: YEAH, SORRY. I HAD TO GO PICK UP MY PHONE.  
GC: >:?  
CG: DON’T ASK.  
\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] responded to memo. --  
TT: He threw it at me for attempting to make a club symbol with my hands.  
TT: It’s a lot more difficult than one would assume.  
\-- CG banned TT from responding to memo. --  
GC: 4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4  
GC: 1S SH3 ST1LL ON 4BOUT TH4T?  
CG: OF COURSE SHE FUCKING IS.   
CG: AND NOW SHE’S GIGGLING LIKE A SHITEATING WRIGGLER TOO.  
CG: FUCKING PERFECT.  
CG: BUT DON’T TRY TO DISTRACT ME. THIS MEMO WAS CREATED WITH A SINGLE PURPOSE.  
CG: WHY THE EVERLIVING *FUCK* AREN’T YOU AND THE OTHERS ALREADY HERE? YOU ASSHOLES SPED PAST US WITH NARY A FUCK TO GIVE ABOUT THE GOD DAMN SPEEDING REGULATIONS!  
CG: OH NO  
CG: YOU DIDN’T GET PULLED OVER DID YOU?  
CG: SHIT SHIT SHIT  
CG: DO YOU NEED BAIL MONEY? I’M SURE WE CAN SCROUNGE SOMETHING TOGETHER.  
CG: FUCK MAYBE MEENAH AND FEFERI HAVE SOMETHING. THEY’RE FUCKING LOADED, RIGHT?  
GC: BL4R C4LM DOWN!  
GC: 1TS NOTH1NG L1K3 TH4T  
GC: TH3 R34SON TH4T W3 4R3NT TH3R3 Y3T 1S W4Y MOR3 MUND4N3 TH4N TH4T  
GC: 4ND FR4NKLY?  
GC: K1ND OF 3MB4R4SS1NG  
CG: OH  
CG: THEN WHAT?  
GC: W3 W3R3 LOST  
CG: WHAT  
GC: Y34H  
CG: I JUST  
CG: GIVE ME A MOMENT.  
GC: >:?  
GC: WH4T 4R3 YOU T4LK1NG 4BOUT?  
GC: K4RK4T?  
CG: HOW THE BULGESUCKING *FUCK* DID YOU FUNGUS-BRAINED SHOOTSTUFFERS MANAGE TO GET LOST?  
CG: IT’S ALMOST A STRAIGHT FUCKING LINE FROM THE CITY TO THE CAMPSITE FOR SHIT’S SAKE.  
CG: THERE ARE LIKE A MILLION WAYS TO MAKE YOUR WAY HERE WITHOUT INCIDENT! WE HAVE MAPS, SIGNS POINTING THE WAY, FUCKING *GOBAL POSITIONING SYSTEMS*!  
CG: MILLIONS UPON MILLIONS OF DOLLARS HAVE BEEN SPENT BY INTERNATIONAL COMPANIES AND GOVERNMENTS ALIKE TO SET UP A METRIC SHIT-TON OF SATTELITES PATROLLING THIS SORRY-EXCUSE OF A PLANET FOR THE EXPRESSED PURPOSE OF KEEPING PAN-DEFICIENT ASSHOLES LIKE YOU FROM GETTING LOST.  
GC: 4R3 YOU DON3?  
CG: MOSTLY.  
CG: WAIT  
CG: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK  
CG: OKAY, I’M DONE.  
CG: JUST HAD TO GET THAT OUT OF MY SYSTEM.  
GC: TH4NK GOD >:[  
GC: FOR TH3 R3CORD W3 D1D US3 GPS  
CG: THEN HOW THE FUCK DID YOU EVEN GET LOST? DO YOU PEOPLE NOT KNOW HOW TO READ?  
GC: OF COURS3 W3 C4N  
GC: JUST TH4T NOT 4LL OF US 4R3 4S W3LL V3RS3D 1N 34ST3RN-4LT3RN14N 4S TH3Y WOULD H4V3 US B3L13V3  
CG: WHAT  
GC: D1RK H4S B33N R34D1NG TH3 D1R3CT1ONS TO D4M4R4 FROM H3R GPS TH1NGY  
CG: DON’T THOSE THINGS HAVE A FUCKING MAP? YOU DON’T NEED TO UNDERSTAND THE FUCKING LANGUAGE ON A MAP TO KNOW WHERE IT’S LEADING YOUR SORRY ASS.  
GC: TH4TS WH4T 1 S41D! H3 JUST M4D3 UP SOM3 BULLSH1T 3XCUS3 H1DD3N B3H1ND TW3LV3 L4Y3RS OF 1RONY TH4T 1 C4NT B3 BOTH3R3D TO SORT THROUGH  
GC: BUT 1M PR3TTY SUR3 H3D B33N R34D1NG D1R3CT1ONS TO TH3 WRONG C4MP1NG S1T3  
GC: 1 W4S ST4RT1NG TO TH1NK TH4T W3 W3R3 T4K1NG LONG3R TH4N W3 SHOULD B3  
CG: JEGUS FUCK  
CG: ARE YOU AT LEAST ON YOUR WAY NOW?  
GC: W3 SHOULD B3  
GC: D4V3 M4D3 D1RK SW1TCH TH3 L4NGU4G3 ON TH3 GPS TH1NG BACK TO R3GUL4R 4LT3RN14N   
GC: OR ‘3NGL1SH’ 4S 1TS KNOWN ON TH1S B4CKW4RDS PL4N3T  
GC: SO W3 SHOULD B3 GOOD  
CG: HOLY FUCK, I NEVER THOUGHT I’D SEE THE DAY THAT DAVE WOULD BE THE RESPONSIBLE ONE IN THE FAMILY.  
GC: H3H3 Y43H >:P  
GC: W3 4R3 4LL V3RY PROUD OF OUR COOLK1D  
GC: H3S GROW1NG UP SO F4ST 1 COULD CRY >:’]  
GC: WOW   
GC: TH4T LOOKS W4444Y STUP1D3R TH4 1 THOUGHT 1T W4S GO1NG TO  
CG: I WASN’T GOING TO SAY ANYTHING  
CG: BUT YEAH.  
GC: >:P  
GC: S33 YOU 4T TH3 C4MPS1T3 L4T3R TH3N  
CG: YEAH  
CG: I SUPPOSE I SHOULD CLOSE THIS MEMO DOWN THEN.  
CG: OH HEY  
CG: THE AMPORA’S CAR IS ROLLING UP.  
CG: I DON’T SUPPOSE YOU KNOW WHAT WENT ON IN THAT CAR, DO YOU?  
GC: >:?  
GC: NOT R34LLY, WHY?   
CG: BECAUSE VRISKA WAS BEING OMINOUS AS ALL FUCK LAST MEMO ABOUT WHAT WAS GOING ON IN THERE.  
GC: TH4T  
GC: TH4T C4NT B3 GOOD  
CG: PREACHING TO THE FUCKING CHOIR.  
CG: SO   
CG: TALK TO YOU LATER THEN.  
GC: COUNT ON 1T >:]  
\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased responding to memo. --  
\-- carcinoGenetecist [CG] ceased responding to memo. --  
\-- CG closed memo. --  


As soon as Cronus’ car comes to a halt, the doors explode open. Immediately, Nepeta bolts out of the car, thin olive scratches visible on her face. She glances at the group sitting at the table before launching herself into the woods. Within moments, she’s lost in the underbrush and _what the actual fuck was that?_

“Well that happened,” Kanaya deadpans after a moment of shocked silence from the entire table.

“We should probably go after her,” Kankri says with a dramatic sigh. “She’ll get lost and then we’ll have to go look for her, which would be no end of trouble.”

Karkat just rolls his eyes at Kankri as Vriska emerges from the car, a wicked smile on her face. “That was fucking hilaaaaaaaarious.”

Sollux shrugs, ignoring her. “NP fucking lived in the woodth her whole life. She’th probably going to find FF and RX. She’ll be fine.”

Meulin, Aranea and Cronus leave the car at the same time, the former making a beeline for Kurloz, with whom she immediately starts signing wildly, squeeing loudly. Cronus and Aranea walk, defeated, from the car and sit across from each other at the second picnic table that Gamzee and apparently dragged over while Karkat had been talking with Terezi on the memo.

They all sit in silence for a few moments, the only sounds being Meulin giggling loudly when Kurloz signs something apparently funny.

Finally, Karkat breaks the silence. “So is anyone going to tell me what the grubfucking shit is going on? Why the fuck did Nepeta just run the hell away?” Something occurs to him. “And where the flying shit is Eridan?”

Cronus and Vriska both open their mouths to say something but are cut off by Aranea. “It isn’t for us to say what happened in the car. If you want to know, go ask Eridan, or maybe Nepeta if you can track her down. I am washing my hands of the matter entirely.”

There is a moment of shell-shocked silence. Porrim and Meenah exchange a glance while Kankri and Cronus do the same.

“What,” Meenah says. “Serks, since when do you give a glubbin’ fuck about what’s your business to tell and what isn’t? Didn’t you glubbin’ PAY ME to let you tell me the life stories of the rest of these dorks back in the dream bubbles?”

“Maybe I’ve since decided that I don’t want to be the person that tells everyone else’s story!” Aranea huffs, crossing her arms.

Meenah throws her hands up in the air. “Fin, whatever.”

"Okay,” Karkat says, “Then where the fuck is Eridan?”

Cronus gestures helplessly to his car. “He’s still in there. You can try to get him out if you vwant to, but he seemed pretty determined to stay there all vweekend.”

Karkat groans. “Can’t someone else do it?”

“You’re theverely overethtimating how much any of uth give a shit about that athhole, KK,” Sollux says.

Karkat give Sollux an evil eye, before catching himself and, with a quick glance at Rose to make sure she hadn’t noticed, switches his focus back to his dancestor, who’d since started another fucking sermon.

“…triggered to the point of self-imposed recluse, contact with another troll, or in fact another person,” he hastily adds, catching Rose’s eye, “My apologies, Rose, but you must understand that I’ve spent most of my billion-sweeps-long existence labouring under the false assumption that we trolls are the only intelligent race and patterned my speech patterns and mannerisms accordingly, any implied speciesism is entirely unintentional and I hope you accept my apology.”

“Alas,” Rose says, the back of her hand resting against her forehead, “I fear that your unintentional slip of the tongue has forever been etched onto my psyche. Years from now, when memory of this-”

She stops halfway through her sentence as Kanaya pinches her side. “Rose,” she says through a slight smile.

“Now, now, Kanaya” Kankri says, “I realize that you may have…”

Karkat, sensing that the situation was rapidly deteriorating into everyone-troll-Kankri time, decides that now is maybe a good time to try to talk with Eridan. It’ll be way fucking easier to do it with everyone’s   
attention focused on something else instead of them anyways.

As he starts to creep away, Karkat is spotted by Gamzee of all fucking people. For an asshole who’s been known to completely miss a car hurtling for him when crossing the road, the purple-blood has a constant, uncanny awareness of Karkat that creeps him right the fuck out.

After furiously gesturing to Gamzee to _sit the fuck down no don’t get up Jegus fuck sit down yes your ass on the bench you slime-addled nookwipe_ , Karkat slips around to the opposite side of Cronus’s car so that, even if someone were to notice that he’s gone, they wouldn’t immediately spot him.

Sliding the door open, he whispers loudly, “Eridan.”

No response. As a matter of fact, Karkat doesn’t even see the gilled asshole.

“Eridan,” he repeats, this time a little louder. “I fucking know you’re in here you bulgemunching douche!”

What Karkat had previously assumed to be a pile of blankets in the back seat stirs slightly, making a pitiful whimpering noise.

“ _Ohforfucksake-_ Eridan!” he hisses.

“What do you want, Kar?” Eridan moans in response, his voice slightly muffled from the cloth barrier.

“What the fuck are you doing under that blanket, to start with,” Karkat says, climbing into the car and arranging himself so that he’s looking down over the back of one of the middle seats to look at Eridan. 

“Seriously, what are you, two sweeps old? Take that stupid thing off, I am _not_ having a conversation with a fucking pile of cloth.”

Eridan makes a noncommittal noise from under the blanket.

_This is what I’m dealing with,_ Karkat thinks, _fucking wrigglers._ Gritting his teeth, he reaches down to grab the blanket and whips it off Eridan’s face and _wow okay what the fuck._

Karkat had noticed the couple of scratches on Nepeta before she had scurried the fuck off and had been expecting roughly the same from Eridan. The seadweller’s eyes widen in surprise when Karkat rips off the blanket,   
briefly meeting his eyes. A mess of superficial cuts and tears marked his face in lines of violet. More specifically, they were concentrated around his earfins and mouth, almost as if-

...

_What the fuck._

Karkat doesn’t realize he’d spoken out loud until Eridan responds.

“Yeah, yeah, laugh it up, Kar,” he mutters, looking away.

“You _hatesnogged_ her?” Karkat says in a daze, after a moment of staring, his voice thick with disbelief. “Holy fucking shit. I think- I think I need a moment.”

Eridan scowls as Karkat crawls over next to him to sit down. “ _I_ didn’t fuckin’ do anything. The crazy fuckin’ cavetroll just up an’ lost her shit at me,” he says with a sniff.

Karkat blinks. “Nepeta. Fucking _Nepeta_ of all trolls initiated a _hatesnog_. With _you?_ ” Karkat pauses for a second, turning his gaze back to Eridan. “I honestly can’t tell if you’re being serious right now.”

“Come on, Kar,” he pouts. “You know I’d never lie about somethin’ as fuckin’ sacred as the quadrants, much less mine.”

There’s a dip in the conversation as Karkat gives Eridan a flat look.

“Okay,” he says, throwing his hands up in the air, “so maybe I sometimes fuckin’ over embellish some things, but come on Kar! I’m not over-fuckin’-statin’ all a this fuckin’ blood am I?”

“Fuck,” Karkat says. “I guess not.”

The two sit in awkward silence for a minute or so.

“So what are you hiding in here for, then?” he asks, breaking the silence.

“Nothin’,” Eridan says, avoiding Karkat’s eyes.

“Is it because she hurt you more than you hurt her? Because, no offense, I don’t think anyone’s surprised that Nepeta’s able to kick your ass in claw-to-claw combat. She’s got fucking PRACTICE with those things.”

Eridan just shakes his head.

Karkat sighs. “Look, dude. I know that something’s fucked up, no point trying to hide that.” Eridan tries to say something but Karkat cuts him off. “BUT! I fucking respect your right to not tell me about it, I’m not your goddamn moirail. Just get out of this stupid-ass car and join the group, okay?” Karkat smirks fondly. “Like Jade insists on repeating to the point of numbness: this trip is supposed to be for fun.”

Eridan hesitates for a second and sighs. “Fuck. Fine, I’ll leave the stupid fuckin’ car, Kar.” He snorts. 

“Wow that sounded fuckin’ retarded.”

Karkat rolls his eyes. “Alright, glad to have that sorted.”

As Karkat closes the car door, he turns to Eridan one last time. “But seriously. If you want to talk about it, I won’t say no.”

Eridan bites his lip, accidentally opening one of the marks that fucking Nepeta of all trolls 

( _seriously? Nepeta?!_ ) gave him. “Fuck,” he says, spitting out blood. “Yeah, thanks Kar.”

* * *

They spend the next twenty minutes or so trying to figure out how to set the tents up. For some fucking reason or other, no one can find the godforsaken instructions.

Their progress is further hampered by the fact that Sollux disappeared during the time that Karkat was talking with Eridan in Cronus’ car. Karkat had been sort of hoping that Sollux would just use his psionics to do most of the work, but since the bulgemuncher decided to fuck off, he ends up having to coordinate a bunch of mentally challenged wrigglers and Kanaya to build two eight-person tents. 

He winds up delegating the leadership of one of the tent-building projects to Meenah and it becomes a sort of competition between the Alternian and Beforan trolls over who can build their tent faster. Rose ends up helping the Beforan trolls because it turns out that, despite the fact that they outnumber the Alternians eight to four at the moment, there’s a reason that they were unable to beat sGrub in over three sweeps while Karkat’s team beat it in less than a month. The Alternian tent is done by the time the sound of an engine appears in the background, while the Beforan tent bears an uncanny resemblance to that one time Crabdad threw up a bunch of half-digested moobeast meat on Karkat’s fifth wriggling day.

The Zahhaks’ massive blue car pulls into view and Rufioh spends a few minutes trying to park it next to the other cars before realizing that the fuckin thing is too big to fit and ends up parking on the other side of the site.

Equius steps out of the car first, squinting through his cracked sunglasses and scanning the gathered crowd and _oh fuck he’s angry._ With a wordless yelp, Eridan jumps for cover behind the tent before Equius can spot him, provoking a chortle from Vriska.

After a moment, Equius nods to himself as confirming something he already knew and STRONGleaps across the entire camp site, disappearing into the foliage.

A second later, Jake’s head pokes out of the door. “Cripes,” he says with eyes wide, “Is he gone?”

Tavros’s head pops up next to Jake’s, nearly braining the moron with his horns. “It, uh, would appear so,” he says.

“Thank friggin’ Christ!” Jake exclaims, extricating himself from the car and Tavros’ horns. “That sweaty lummox was starting to worry me.”

“I mean… to be fair, you did sort of try to shoosh him…” Rufioh points out as he climbs out of the car. 

Jake sniffs. “It’s not my fault he needed to calm his perspiry tits down a few notches.”

Jade tumbles out of the car after Tavros gets out, landing on her ass with an _oof_. Blowing a stray lock of hair out of her face, she says, “I mean, he _was_ being a stupid butt, but you should still try to be more culturally aware, Jake.” 

“Kar,” Eridan hisses from inside the tent. “Kar, is it safe to come out now or am I gunna be fuckin’ hoofbeast food?”

“Hoofbeasts are herbivores, dipshit.”

“Kar! This is fuckin’ serious. There’s a freakishly strong blue-blooded asshole out there who wants to rip my fuckin’ fins off!”

Karkat rolls his eyes. “Yeah, yeah. The coast is clear.”

Eridan barely makes it out of the tent before he’s tackled by Jake. The human sticks the troll under one arm and starts giving him a noogie between his horns. “Erisol- uhh that is to say Eridan, old chum, there you are!” he says with a ridiculously wide grin. “I haven’t seen hide nor tail of you for the last few months.” He winks. “Have you been avoiding me?”

“Yes.” Eridan growls through gritted teeth. Turning to Karkat he adds, “I thought you said the coast was fuckin’ clear.

Jake laughs out loud, dropping Eridan on the ground. “You’re still as hysterical as you were when you my sprite!” Wiping a tear away from his eye, he turns to the one completed tent and gives a low whistle. “Capital motherfucking tent, I have to say.”

“Right,” Karkat says, clasping his hands together. “Then you assholes can build the last two tents in the sweatcar.”

“Fine, poopy-butt. We’ll be done in no time.” Jade sticks her tongue out at Karkat. “Just watch us!”

The two Harleys then proceed to build the two tents, one each, in under five minutes while everyone stares in awe.

“Oh come on!” Cronus says, letting the two stakes he had been holding fall to his side. “That’s not evwen fair.”

Jake gives Cronus his fucking absurd two-pistols-and-a-wink thing and says “You pick up a thing or two living on a deserted island for your whole life, eh Jade?”

“Yep!” Smiling, she faces the Beforans. “You guys want help?”

“Shell no!” Meenah says, cutting off anything the other Beforans were going to say. “We’re gunna fuckin’ finish this fin if I have to cull every single glubbin’ one of ya, got it?”

Damara’s car pulls up almost exactly as the Beforans finally fucking finish fifteen minutes later.

Dave lets out a low whistle as he steps out of the car. “Sicknasty tents dude,” he drawls. Looking at Karkat he adds, “Make ‘em yourself?”

Karkat pushes Jade away from him as everyone else piles out of Damara’s car. Aradia checks her phone before flying off into the forest woods in the same direction Nepeta fled. Latula goes straight for Mituna while 

Damara vanishes into fuck knows. Terezi and Dirk saunter up to join Karkat, Jade and Dave, Terezi poking and cackling at the elder Strider.

“Karkat,” Terezi says grinning. “We made it!”

Karkat snorts. “Congratulations, you have so far accomplished the bare-minimum required to participate in this fucking train wreck of a trip. Would you like the reward now, or would like it mailed to you at a later date?”

Jade punches Karkat on the shoulder. “Come on, Karkat! I thought you said that you were going to turn that frown upside down when you got here and the tents were up!”

“I said when we were all here,” Karkat says, rubbing his now-bruised arm. “And in case you haven’t noticed, we’re still down one delusional Cage-fan and a cake-obsessed broad.”

“Bluh.”

“Speaking of what this place is missing, do we not have a fire going?” Dirk asks. “That’s just downright sorry is what it is. What kind of camping site is complete without a fire, I ask you. None. The answer is none.”

“We already sent Roxy and Feferi to get some firewood,” Rose calls out from near the Beforan’s freshly raised tent.

“Oh yeah,” Karkat says. “That’s what they were doing.” He’d honestly forgotten exactly what the fuck they’d been doing before all the drama with Eridan.

Dirk raises an eyebrow.

“They may have gotten, err, somewhat sidetracked,” Karkat admits, stealing a glance at Eridan out of the corner of his eye.

“Sidetracked how?”

“I don’t know, Captain Sense-of-directions,” Dave replies, clearly rolling his eyes behind his shades. 

“Explain to me how it’s possible to get sidetracked getting from point A to point B.

Terezi and Jade start laughing just as a voice shouts out from the road: “Yo baes, we’re back with, like, a psionic’s worth o’ wood! Outta the way!”

Roxy walks into view, hands cupped around her mouth as she continues yelling. “Literally a fuckin’ ton a wood, we needed Solcap to brain lift it it was so heavy.”

Above her hovers a massive pile of wooden logs crackling with red, blue and maroon psionics while a bored Sollux and smiling Aradia float on either side of it. Behind her, Nepeta is flanked by Feferi who was giggling with Nepeta and Equius, who had already spotted Eridan and was giving him an evil eye. Eridan takes on an uncomfortably pale tone as he edges toward Karkat.

“I’ll just be over here,” he mutters, half-hidden behind the tent.

“Fin-ally!” Meenah shouts over. “Aboat glubbin’ time if you ask me.”

Sollux and Aradia plop the massive pile of lumber next to the designated fireplace closest to the tents.

Everyone stares at the tiny fireplace, barely two square feet, for a few seconds. It looks cartoonishly small next to the massive pile of wood.

“We’re going to need a bigger fireplace,” Vriska declares, somewhat unnecessarily.

“Yeah, no shit,” Dave says, “That’s, like, a baby fireplace. We’re going to need it to fucking grow before we can use it.”

“It’s like bringing a foal to a horserace,” Dirk adds. “Fucking stupid.”

“NO. HOOFBEASTS,” Karkat yells at him. “We were JUST over this, you pointy-shaded shootstuffer!”

Horuss neighs, _he fucking neighs what the shit_ , from where he was standing with Rufioh. "What?”

“Karkat,” Kankri starts, his tone admonishing, “That was a very problematic statement, you know, especially considering Horuss’ self-identiy as a…”

Karkat puts his face in his palms as Kankri launches himself into a full-on sermon.

“There, there,” Jade says, patting his shoulder. “This is only the beginning!”

Karkat groans into his hands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> man alive, sorry for the wait between chapters >_>  
> i'd like to say that it should be faster for the next one, but school's starting so don't hold your breaths.
> 
> next up: they try to make a fire and maybe even cook some food!


End file.
